Nobody in my teensy universe of readers is going to hear me going off like Dr. Phil on the subject of childrearing--on the contrary, I solicit advice and suggestions from anybody and everybody--but in my last post I mentioned the Points System, and it strikes me that this is something we've come up with around here that really works, and that maybe I could share it.
It's really simple: whatever a kid wants to do around here that is at all pleasurable--watching TV, having a friend come over, getting an ice cream treat, whatever--costs points. Points are earned by good behavior. Things like cleaning one's room do not earn points, because cleaning up after yourself is simply what's expected of any civilized human being, but things like tidying the living room, or making a sandwich for your little sister, or being quiet for half an hour while your big sister does her homework--stuff like that--do earn points. You can always invent new ways to earn points. One a friend suggested the other day: refraining from complaints about the dinner menu and at least trying one bit of everything on your plate. Brilliant. I never would have thought of this.
And here's the key: kids cannot lose points. Points are only used to reward desirable behavior, not to punish undesirable behavior. If a certain someone, say, lies about having done her homework when she hasn't, she does not lose points. Other consequences will ensue (and the consequences are up to you), but once a kid earns 'em, points are there forever.
The reason that last part is key is that it ensures the kids will buy into the system. Let's face it: kids are gonna misbehave. We know this, and, most importantly, kids know this. If they know that misbehaving is going to lose them points, they will opt out of the system because it has ceased to be something they feel in control of. This way, the kids are totally in control (at least, from their point of view). If they want a sleepover, all they have to do is look at the Big Board and see whether they have the Points (sleepovers cost 100 points at our house)--subject, of course, to normal scheduling concerns. A half-hour of TV or computer costs 20 points. If you use up your points, the solution is easy: just do something that will earn more.
From a parent's point of view, the Points System is flexible (as I said, you can always make up new ways to earn them) and it's also a good way to keep things within limits. While I'm sure my kids slip an occasional half-hour of extra TV past me from time to time, I also know that if they've been glued to the Boob Tube watching cartoons from 9 to 11 a.m. I can say, "Well, I see you've used up 80 points on TV this morning, and you are out of points. Sorry 'bout that"--and the TV goes off. There is no power struggle; it ain't Mom saying this, it's the Big Board. And if the kids are determined to rot their brains with TV that day, you readily agree, while making it awfully inconvenient: "Sure, after you can earn some more points. You'll have to do it by sweeping off the patio, and carrying the garbage to the curb, and going through your clothes to pull out stuff that doesn't fit anymore, and..." six or seven other things that occur to you. And by the time they finish all that, it will be 4 p.m. and time to go to the library. Or something.
By the way, when we were evolving this system, we started out not with Points but Kid Money, which I made by printing copies of some Monopoly money with a picture of the kid in question superimposed in the middle. Kids had to literally "buy" what they wanted with "money" they earned. That works well with really young ones...but after awhile, you can dispense with the props and just keep track of points.
No system is perfect. But this one's pretty good.