Remember the "Desiderata"? Everybody had a modge-podged plaque of this up on their walls in the 1970s. This morning, because I had SO much work to do, I wasted a whole 35 minutes on re-writing it for the 21st century. So remember, folks: you read it here first.
Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
And remember what peace there may be in high-quality noise-canceling headphones.
As far as possible, without surrender,
allow mergers into your lane.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the cellphone addicts in the checkout line at Target;
they too have their dull, never-ending story.
And speaking of cellphones, avoid persons with blinking blue ears who talk to the air;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be fatter and skinnier women than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of marriage.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of kitchen contractors who are in league with Satan.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and even some plumbers show up on time.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass (and just as hard to keep green).
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the freedom to leave the house without foundation garments.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness,
Usually when the spouse is out of town.
Beyond a daily workout,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here, no matter what your children think.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with the cosmos,
however you conceive it to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep a good supply of Ativan on hand.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Happy hour starts at five.