I can't remember now where I saw it; it was a commercial for something, maybe some electronic device, that was on TV years ago. But the image stuck in my mind: a man's boot mounted on a to-scale football goalpost-type thingy so that the boot could swing back and forth, and the whole thing mounted on a radio-controlled skateboard. It was like one of those robo-vacuums, only instead of roaming around at random looking for dust bunnies, this thing roamed around searching for butts to kick. Wow, I thought at the time. Now there's a useful device.
The trouble was that it was created as a visual joke to sell something else, and I haven't seen it since, and if you ask me the electronics industry is majorly missing the boat here. In our society, consumers are usually told YOU NEED THIS and mostly we buy our Ipods and Wiis like the sheep we are, but in this case I think it's time for the moms of the world to get together and demand that this item be created for us. I'm going to start now. My birthday is coming up (ON AUGUST 27, JUST IN CASE ANYBODY FORGOT) and I am going to ask once again: This year, I want a robotic butt-kicker. In hot pink.
I will outline briefly the conversations between me and my kids which I think this item would be useful in my own household.
"Leave the cat alone. Leave the cat alone. LEAVE THE CAT ALONE--" Whap--right in the keister.
"Have you made up your bed? Make up your bed. Make. Up. Your. Bed. NO, NOW LATER, NOW--" Wham! Point made.
"It's time to go. It's time to go! Out the door! Movemovemovemovemove!!" Wham! Wham! Kids are out the door.
"Have you brushed your teeth? Yes? Okay, give me the breath test.....Okay, now quit lying to me and GO BRUSH YOUR TEETH. No, you may not stop to pet the cat. The bathroom is upstairs, not that way. Turn around and go. GO. NOW. And brush your TEETH--" Wham! The hot pink robotic butt kicker conveys what mere words cannot.
The two high-maintenance divas who live here can hear the words "Coldstone Creamery" spoken a block down the street, but they suffer from a peculiar hearing loss that makes it extremely hard to hear anything spoken by a parent in the same room. I think this would cure that. I think that pretty soon, the mere appearance of Mother's Little Helper would improve their hearing a lot.
Every year, I ask for this, and every year I am disappointed. The electronics industry, it seems, has not realized the marketing niche available here. But I refuse to give up hope. I know somebody built a prototype once--I saw it on TV, so it must be true--and somewhere out there is an electronics wizard who can make it happen. So I am issuing a request to the cosmos: I want a hot pink robotic butt-kicker for my birthday this year. And if it's a model that can navigate stairs, so much the better.
