Not Me. Couldn't Be.

This week I learned that an old friend has cancer. Her kids are about the age of mine, and so this news--after the initial shock of envisioning this person with a life-threatening illness-inevitably put my mind onto the unspeakable fear that every mother has: what if I die before my kids are grown? Because I know that's what my friend is thinking. That's one thing that comes with motherhood: the fear of your own death actually becomes secondary--to the fear of losing your children before it is time. It's a cliche, but it's true: you love your children more than life itself.

So when the call came from the mammogram folks, the ones I'd seen earlier this week for my usual yearly visit, I was primed for a freakout. The test has gone smoothly; I'd left thinking I'd gotten the all clear. Not so. "We saw something unusual," the lady said. "The doctor wants you to come back to another picture." Which I did. And then: "We still can't see it very well; we want to do a sonogram." And then, in a moment in which I felt myself disassociating from my body, I heard the words, "We want to do a biopsy."

I hit the internet the minute I walked in the door, before I dropped my coat. From it I learned that 80 percent of biopsies turn out to be of benign breast conditions. I learn that the survival rate for cancer is very high, especially if it's caught early. And it doesn't matter, because then the fear descends--the fear that something bad is about to happen, that I will have to leave my kids before I want to.

I spent some time this afternoon on the kitchen floor, sobbing. Now that freakout is over, and I am keeping it together, with the help of one or two good friends. Something here is getting me through, I don't know what, but I'm grateful for it. Somehow or other, it's gonna be okay--and by that I don't mean I'm confident I don't have cancer. I just mean that, cancer or not, it's going to be okay. At least, that's where I am at this moment. There's a 90 percent chance of another freakout in the next few days, but: one day at a time. Which is what I hope my friend is thinking, too.

If you are sending out good vibes, send some to her. And while you're at it, send some to me, too.

Comments

[Sandy D.]

Crap, I just read the benign post and then came back and read this one.

I'm so happy you had good news. I was all ready to tell you my benign biopsy story, too.

[Laurel - MomsMinivan.com]

Good vibes coming your way!!

[devra renner]

Would it make you feel better to have an orange traffic cone? If so let me know. This was just posted on my Freecycle group:
"When Verizon set up our FIOS they left behind an orange cone. I called
them but they won't come get it and I hate for it to be in a land
fill.So if anyone could use it please come get it."
Say the word and I'll go get it for you.

[Virginia]

Tracy, I'm sorry, and I'm thinking of you.

[alimum]

I found a lump while I was breastfeeding. It turned out it wasn't anything and has gone away on its own. I hope the same for you.

However, if it turns out there is more involved.

A relative of mine was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer about four years ago and she is still fighting strong (and beating it).

Another friend of the family was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer about a decade ago and she is currently in remission (she may be far enough out that she would be considered cured).

It may sound corny, but I have seen how positive thinking can cause the malignancy to shrink and vanish.

[Sondra]

Tracy, I'm sending you lots of positive energy. I'll keep my fingers crossed for a good outcome. Love to you and your family.

[Becky]

I'm sending all the positive vibes I can muster. And a long-distance hug.

[Margaret in NJ]

Tracy, I'm just one of a whole network of people. We're scattered around the country, quietly rooting for you. I'm wishing you peace and strength.

[CL]

Tracy, positive thoughts are going your way. I have been a fan of yours since The Beast. Hang in there.

[cooper munroe]

tracy, I am sending you all my best thoughts, hopes and wishes. And lots of positive vibes, too.