Life Crisis

So here's the deal: I have just finished a book. It's getting decent publicity, people are buying it (you can buy it too, from Amazon, by clicking on The Ghost in the House: Motherhood, Raising Children and Struggling with Depression), and if you don't want to do that you can read all about it in USA Today. So I have nothing whatsoever to complain about. Except that now I have to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

This happens to me every time I finish a big project. I don't celebrate getting things done; I go into mourning. This is because I am neurotic as all hell and because I wouldn't know happiness if it rose up and bit me in the butt, which it has several times in my life. I am just way more practiced as misery, and so when I get to these interstices in my life, between projects, my first thought is always, OH MY GOD THIS IS IT. I'LL NEVER FIND ANYTHING USEFUL TO DO AGAIN.

Today I was thinking about how young you have to be to check into the Old Folks' Home, since obviously my usefulness to the human race is done and I have no further business taking up space on the planet.

My husband is familiar with these desolate stretches of my psyche. "Here we go again," he says, and straps on his headphones to watch ESPN. The kids aren't interested in anything except whether they get to stay up past bedtime since there is no school tomorrow (election day). There is nobody here to share my angst except the cat, Roxy, who will share anybody's angst as long as they know how to open a packet of Tender Vittles. So it's me and the cat tonight, sharing our long, dark, lonely night of the soul. It's okay; don't mind me. I'll just be sitting here in the dark, facing the abyss. I'm fine. Really. (Sound of stifled sobs). And so....(deep, heartfelt sigh) to bed.

Comments

[Sher]

I don't understand your question Kim? Tracy has done something useful with herself, the books are very useful, but only if your willing to admit you have a problem.

As for self justification, everyone needs a reason to be here in the world. Whether is be as a journalist reaching out to others, a mom tending a houseful of kids or a CO of a large corporation.

I guess even bitches have to justify themselves too.

[Kim Philby]

I think the real question for you is: "Have you found anything useful to do so far? Or, is your writing just an exercise in self justification that keeps you from being in the world?

Sorry, I guess you'd rather hear rave reviews, but I can't help asking honest questions.

Kim

[dodo]

can I interupt your well-earned angst for a mo to say that I read your book in one sitting last week. In many places it felt like a giant hug from you and the mums from your interview group was coming straight across the ocean to me.

Hello - this is gratitude, and it's BITING YOUR BUTT RIGHT NOW.

In case you missed it.

[karrie]

Just run with the angst for awhile. Ruminate, wallow, bitch to anyone who will listen, and eventually you'll bore yourself into starting a new project. :)

[Becky]

I can totally relate. Which is why I avoid writing. It's the most rewarding, but it's also the most painful for me to do and leaves me with that empty feeling when I'm done. (Which is why I generally focus on the other aspects of my jack-of-all-trades abilities.)

Here. Hold my hand. I won't let you fall into the abyss.

[Devra]

Would you pikc up your phone? Pick up you phone!

If you don't pick it up soon, I will extend my foot over at least one southern state and kick your ass. Just call me Elass-tigirl.

[Sandy]

Hey, what is this There is nobody here to share my angst? What about all of us out in cyberland? I have a tiny bit of pity left, though reading about Judith Warner's difficulties in justifying her month in Normandy every August did take a lot (see http://www.theamericanscene.com/2006/09/nausea-so-profound-occasionally-i-like.php ).

Obviously you must start another book soon. I can't help you with a topic, though, I'm too busy procrastinating on a couple of articles myself.

[Di]

If you want to recapture that feeling of fulfillment, volunteer at your kids' school to be on the Copy Team. There is nothing more satisfying than conquering a recalcitrant copy machine, 24 copies perfectly collated and stapled and having a project each time that is done, finished, finito (unlike laundry and writing a book, I'm thinking).

Nice piece in USA Today. I had a brilliant idea about the whole depression stigma thing....how about we give it a TLA (three letter acronym)...such as CSD (Cranial Synaptic Dysfunction). Then we can talk about it and sound really impressive, have golf tournaments for it and get our own ribbon (what color is left anyway...I think maybe lime green or aubergine might be available).

But in all honesty, I can just recommend my current obsession, downloading music on the IPod I "bought for my husband."

Di